The Myths Of Adoption
Pastor Bill Farrow
“I could never give up my baby after carrying it for nine months.”
This
is a commonly heard statement from our clients when the issue of adoption is
brought up. What they don't realize is that if they have an abortion, they
will have given up their baby anyway. To have placed for adoption would give
her peace in knowing she gave her child life; to have aborted her child
would mean she will combat guilt, anger, and shame perhaps most her life.
Whenever a young woman is facing an unplanned pregnancy, it is vital that all options are presented and discussed. She must understand the tremendous responsibility that comes with parenting and the many issues surrounding abortion. In addition, she deserves to hear the positive side of adoption and what it can mean for both herself and her child.
In subsequent issues, we will publish Genesis’ discussion of adoption to hopefully help you understand more about it. Perhaps you know a young woman that will explore this alternative. Your initial comments to her may actually determine her unborn child's future - whether she will parent, abort, or place for adoption. The more knowledge you have about adoption, the better equipped you will be to counsel an expectant single mother.
Because of the slant of the news media, TV, movies, magazines, and books, there are many myths surrounding adoption Over the summer months, we will explore several myths that even Christians have about adoption.
Myth #1 - If I loved my child, I would never consider adoption. Many people don't understand what love is. To them it is a feeling, not action. Our clients often perceive adoption as an uncaring or selfish act demonstrating they really don't love the child they carry. They are afraid of what friends and relatives will say. They do not perceive adoption as one of the greatest acts of love - that they would give life to the child and place him or her in the arms of a couple that can provide stability and security for the child.
Myth #2 - No one could love my child
like I can. Adoptive parents can love their children as much as a
biological parent can. Good parenting involves consistent nurturing and
caring that puts the child first. Most single mothers don't realize how
difficult parenting can be. It is vital for them to understand that adoptive
parents can love their child as much as the biological mother does.
Love is best explained from Scriptures. I Corinthians 13, the “Love Chapter,” is often used as we counsel expectant mothers so that they will have a better understanding of what love really is. When they embrace this and understand the importance of a personal relationship with Christ, they are more open to exploring adoption for their unborn child.
Myth #3 - People will think that I'm not taking responsibility for my actions. Choosing to parent is not always the responsible thing to do for some birth mothers. In fact, what is responsible is making the effort to gather information and explore the options. For young women who aren't sure they are ready to parent, adoption is a wonderful option. Plans can be made for both mother and child in a responsible manner using the best information available. By putting the child's needs first, the birth mother is acting responsibly.
Myth #4 - People think I should just move on and forget about my child. Giving birth to a child and making an adoption plan becomes a part of the mother's life and can never be forgotten. Most birth mothers will reflect back on this experience all their lives, and many want to know of their child's development. Today's open adoptions give her the option to communicate with the adoptive parents and to follow the growth and development ofthe child.
Myth #5 -I'll never get over the pain of giving up my child. Every birth mother will grieve the loss of her child. However, adoption is not all loss - it is also a decision full of life's possibilities. Unfortunately, many biological mothers would rather have an abortion than personally face the pain of placing for adoption. For other birth mothers, knowing they gave their child life and placed that child in the arms of a loving mother and father helps them move through the grieving process. Eventually their hearts will heal, and they will recognize they did the right thing at that time in their life.
Myth #6 - I will never know how my child is or that I made a good decision. Today's adoptions can be either open or closed. If the birth mother selects an open adoption, she can have whatever communication she wishes with the adoptive parents. It is up to her to determine exactly what kind of relationship she wishes to build with the adoptive parents. Arrangements can be made for picture exchange, written communications, phone calls, and even personal visits can occur.
Myth #7 - A child doesn't really need a father. Children do need both a male and female role model in their life. Studies have shown that children benefit from a twoparent family where the mother and father love each other and contribute in a positive manner to their child's development. A trend has begun in our country to place children in families with two mothers or two fathers. We simply will not do such a thing, and any adoption agency doing such placements will not get our referrals.
Myth #8 - Adopted kids have more emotional problems than kids who aren't adopted. Many people like to tell stories of adopted children that have various mental illnesses, relationship problems, as well as drug and alcohol issues. Research simply does not support this belief, especially when studies separate results of children adopted as infants from children who were older and had experienced abuse and neglect. The majority of adopted children eventually have to address they have both biological parents and adoptive parents, but most do so in a healthy manner.
So many of the young ladies we speak with about adoption have many misconceptions. By discussing adoption with some of our clients, we are able to teach them some truths about adoption rather than allow them to believe in many of these myths.
Through the years as serving as the Director of Genesis, I have encountered many women that were adopted themselves or had placed for adoption. Those that are adopted are gracious towards their birth mother that gave them life, and thankful to their biological parents that made them a family! Some have had contact with their birth mother; others have not. I recall a couple women that had placed babies for adoption years earlier and then later met their children as adults. They acknowledged they had done the right thing at the time - given their child life -even though it was difficult to place the baby in the arms of another couple. Jesus had given them peace in their lives knowing He would provide and protect them. As the years passed, it was evident He had done just that!
On the other hand, I must acknowledge there sometimes are tragedies with adoption. However, if there is total honesty in making the plans for adoption, I believe much of this can be avoided. Proper counsel for the birth mother is vital. Unfortunately, sometimes this aspect of the adoption plan is not offered or completed. When the birth mother is adequately counseled both before and after the adoption, she is able to grieve her loss, and then eventually feel peace at having made the right decision.
As you know, adoption is a biblical concept. It is clearly shown in the story of Moses (Exodus 2: 1-8), Samuel (1 Samuel 1 :24-2: 11), and Esther (Esther 2:5-7) were raised by someone other than their birthparents. The Bible uses the metaphor of adoption to describe how God's people become a part of His family (John 1 :12-13). Please join us in praying for the many couples that wish to adopt as well as young women that are looking at an adoption plan for their unborn child. In addition, please pray for the volunteer staff that they will present adoption to the client as a positive option. Perhaps many clients that state, "I could never give up my baby after carrying it for nine months," will be open to discussing adoption, especially when they see adoption in the Scriptures .